Today, My Baby Told Me Something...

I thought this was going to be a more somber entry, but, to be hones; it’s one of the better ones!

Today was the hardest day of my life so far… it was the day I handed my sedated child over to a nurse and had to walk away and take her fate, so to speak, out of my hands, allow someone to put her to sleep, and then cut into her to help her to not be in pain all of the time. I had to allow someone to cause her pain to stop her pain.

We got up at 4am, and told our oldest goodbye, that we would see her after school. Got ready to go, and then got the baby in the car and headed 40 minutes away to Martinsville, VA. We had done pre-op last week, so all we had to do is check in and wait. This was all the easy part… waiting in the room was the part where we could play a bit more, we could let her run a bit in her pink Minnie mouse socks and turtles jammies.

6:15 hit, and they brought us back to get her ready. It was a lot of waiting, and taking vitals… making sure that her allergies and her heart murmur were noted on their notes, and that they knew to watch and see if she had any reactions to the medications. She was attached to wired and a cuff, and she was not happy because she couldn’t be active. She was given a coloring book and crayons, to help pass the time.

And then 7:00 hit. She was given a medication cocktail of Tylenol and what equals out to baby valium, to sedate her and keep her calm. Watching the light begin to dull in her eyes was hard as hell, but tolerable because I was still there, I wasn’t yanked away yet. By 7:20, it was time to say bye-bye for now.

They let us walk her all the way to the O.R. We cuddled her, took turns while we walked, then we handed her over. That part killed me inside… it sounds stupid too. It’s a simple procedure, the whole thing took 5 minutes, and recovery took 35 minutes… but every procedure has risks. I broke into tears as I handed her to the nurse and she looked at me with her dulled eyes. She looked like a baby doll with no life in her, like a robot. No soul in her eyes, just going through the motions.

My hubby and I held hands on the way back to her room. We both were crying, me more than him, but that’s how hard it was for us. You don’t think you will be torn up, you think that because it’s a basic procedure that it won’t bother you… it does.

She did well, though. She was back in a total of 40 minutes. They cut into her eardrum to insert tubes to help her hear.

She came out of recovery quickly, and after a half an hour recovering in the room where we had been before, she was discharged. She was a bit nauseated from the anesthesia and a bit grumpy, but that was to be expected. They told us she did super. 

On the way home

And the look on her face when we spoke to her for the first time after… her eyes widened and she just looked at us.

Suddenly, our baby could hear properly.

And she began trying to mimic us an hour after that. The few words she said before the surgery were almost crisp and clear, and she was attempting new words.

Today, my baby tried to tell me she loved me for the first time.

That alone made everything worth it.

So she is recovering at home, her ears are bugging her but we’re keeping her on her pain medicine to help with that, but all in all… it was all totally worth it. 

When it rains it pours...

We need prayers, positive thoughts, and whatever you have to offer.

On Wed last week, my grandfather had a spell. I knew it was bad, I was on the phone with my grandmother when it happened… I suspected it was really bad, but I called my mother and told her to call them in 15 minutes to check up on them. Well, he ended up in an ambulance to the ER, covered in sweat, heard a pop in his head, and dizzy, unable to walk, and weak. He was so weak…

I finally got to see him after being in the ER waiting for 3 hours. I’m one of those grandkids who will head to the hospital when my grandparents are in the hospital, I’ll be damned if anyone will stop me. It was the weakest I have ever seen him. He was so tired, slurring his speech, in and out of consciousness.

I suggested heart attack or stroke. I was rebuffed.

A day later, he’s not much better. He’s still weak, dizzy, sick… slurring his words a bit more… I visited twice, and he was never any better… That was the day my baby girl started school by the way…

My baby visiting her Poppie.

A day later and there’s talk of sending him home. No diagnosis, just, well, we’ll send you home, your heart seems better. What the fuck. I talk to my grandmother… tell her that he hasn’t even been made to walk yet, so how can they send him home? She says that the Dr. is monitoring him, that they know what to do.

They try and get him to walk and he almost falls all over the floor. He’s shuffling, not lifting his feet, and has no idea he’s doing it. He needed 2 nurses and a walker to even move a small distance.

Well, he wasn’t going home.

A day later, they FINALLY do an MRI to check for stroke.

Guess what. It was a stroke.

So, he’s not doing well. In fact he has damage to the part of the brain that controls his motor function, hence the weakness and difficulty walking. We don’t know how much he will recover, if he will recover. He will have to go to a rehabilitation clinic to regain his strength, and then after that, either home, which we hope, or possibly a nursing home, if he cannot regain the ability to walk and is still extremely weak.

We do not know the final outcomes of any of this yet. All we do know is that things are not great.

And add onto that, my youngest is about to have surgery to put tubes in her ears tomorrow, and a week later she goes to her immunologist for what we hope is a final diagnosis determining what immunoglobulin/immune disorder she has.  So we have that tacked on.

And we’re broke this week, due to all the hospitals and Dr. appointments we have to go to. So there’s that too.

All in all… I don’t normally ask this, but please send my grandpa, and my youngest kiddo, some prayers and some positive thoughts. They sure could use them…

Going to SCHOOL! OMG!!!

I got to watch my big girl take a huge leap into an independent childhood this morning! And it was great!

My Rayne turned 4 about half a week ago, and with that came new things, good and bad…Her first blood draw, her first real eye exam, her 4^th birthday party, and of course, her first day of school. Not daycare school, which she’s used to, but big girl building, cafeteria, library, full on public school. I’m not going to pretend I wasn’t nervous for her. She’s so outgoing, that some kids are put off by it… would she make friends? Would she get her feelings hurt? How could I help her when she’s all the way at school??

Or even worse… maybe this would be the start of her never needing me anymore. What if she doesn’t want me to do anything for her? What if she’ll be so happy to be away from us that she doesn’t want my help or to play with me at home?

Turns out, I had no need to really worry.

We got in the car about the same time as Daddy, and she was fidgety.

“Are you ok, baby?” I asked her with a smile.

“Uh huh.”

“Are you scared?”

“No mommy, I’m not scared.”

Oh. Well…

“Are you nervous or anxious?”

She tutted me, “No mommy, I’m excited!!”

Oh, well ok! We drive for another minute.

“Mommy… will you come in with me?”

“Of course , baby.” I smiled back at her.

I guess my baby will always need Mommy in some way, shape, or form. 

Oh, and for the record, she was good once we got there. And apparently she had a really good, exciting day, because she fell asleep for a nap about 15 minutes after getting home.